WHAT BEING A GOOD MOM DOES NOT MEAN

I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be a good mom. And the more I think about it the more I come back to this: there's no such thing as a good mom. We're all just doing the best we can. Sometimes I can get tripped up in thinking this equals this, and it's just not true.

A real life story: a friend recently joked on Instagram as she was trying to get a good photo of her three kids, with something to the effect of "because good photos equals good mothering, duh," and I loved that joke. Social media mothering is not real life mothering. There is a huge, real, vast difference between mothering your kids and photographing them. "Good" in one are does not equal "good" in another. It was a light bulb moment for me, and I started to think of other things that I had at times (mistakenly and subconsciously) equated with "good" mothering.

These things do not make me a good mom:

A clean house.

Arriving to places on time.

Having the best stuff.

Baking.

Well dressed kids.

Well dressed me.

Well behaved kids.

Well photographed kids.

Organized anything.

A made bed.

Laundry done.

Dinner on the table.

Emails responded to in a timely fashion.

Scrapbooking.

Planning parties.

Hosting play dates.

Breastfeeding.

Working.

Not working.

Healthy eating.

Exhaustive list, right? While some of these things can be good things, none of these things equals good mothering. Conversely (and thankfully) this also means that the absence of one doesn't negate the other (ie just because you don't scrapbook doesn't mean you're not a good mother).

Instead of wondering how I'm measuring up on trying to be a good mom (subconsciously), I'm trying to be a present mom.

These things make me a present mom:

Holding/Playing/Singing/Dancing/Reading/Looking/Smiling/Talking/Laughing with my baby

Everything else is just a bonus.

A clean house, a clean shirt, or any house or any shirt at all, the babies could care less. What they want is more of us. Our time, our attention, our love, our eyes on them.

The good news/bad news is: you can't buy that kind of mothering. The best news is, you're already equipped. We have everything we need to be good moms. We don't need that one more thing. They simply need us. Available, responsive, attentive, silly, playful, messy, as we are.

How relieving to know we don't have to try so hard or be so hard on ourselves. We're all good moms. We're all doing our best. It all works.

WHAT YOU REALLY NEED FOR MOTHERHOOD

Everyone is concerned about what baby gear items to get when they register, stocking up on everything from diapers to a car seat, but what about the mom?

No matter how much you were around babies before, (I was a lot, even getting my master's degree in a pediatric field), or how much you've researched or read or prepped and planned, nothing can really prepare you for the day-in-and-day-out experience of being a mom yourself.

It's rewarding, challenging, growing, refining, joyous work and easily my favorite role by far. I wouldn't trade it for anything, even on the toughest days.

Motherhood is a big role. And yet there's no handbook or "registry guide" to follow, even though it encompasses a full-on, major identity and lifestyle shift and you will need a toolbox of things to get you through. You just can't exactly register for them.

But here's what you can stock up on for motherhood:

Patience. For when your baby gets up for the 18th time in the middle of the night, or when you're on your fifth outfit change of the day.

Grace. For everyone. Extra doses for those closest to you (yourself included). We're all just doing the best we can.

Friendship and community. Motherhood can be isolating and you'll need to rely on your home team and that group text thread more than once. Among the texts I have sent this year: "Does anyone have experience NOT giving the antibiotics for an ear infection?" "How long did it take you before you felt like you got the hang of this?" "Play date tomorrow at 10am?" Motherhood, while wonderful, also (at times) is hard. Find your tribe. These friends will be worth more than gold.

Caffeine. If you're into that (like me). See also: wine and chocolate.

Hydration. For all that extra coffee. I often forget to drink water, but when I do I think "I should do this more often." A cute water bottle helps.

Nourishment. In all forms and every sense of the word.

Fresh air, and bonus points for endorphins. Because we all could use a little more vitamin D and a little less screen time.

Humility. It's kind of hard to go through the birth process and not come out more humble (thank you, nurses, and all healthcare workers for doing the jobs that you do), but once the baby's here, someone else's bodily fluids will now be a part of your daily life (and your wardrobe).

Flexibility. Your days will not go as planned. The sooner you can accept this fact, the better.

Endurance. Motherhood is a marathon, not a sprint. Your days may feel loud and busy and full right now, but someday they won't. As everyone says: the days are long but the years are short.

And most definitely, a strong sense of humor. You can choose to either laugh or cry at a million moments in your momming. Choose the former and be happier.

Granted, yes, there are a few "needs" with a baby. Probably things like: a place for your baby to sleep, a plan for feeding, and a car seat that fits. It was time for us to graduate from our infant car seat to a convertible one, and after researching I went with the Maxi-Cosi Pria 85. I chose this one for a few reasons, two main ones are the weight limit is higher than most, and the cover removes easily for cleaning (because the words "clean" and "car seats" are never in the same sentence unless fresh out of the washer). This one is neither the least expensive nor the most, and it checked all my boxes for comfort, safety, style, and design. Sidenote: I wish I had moved him sooner! He's a pretty big baby, and would cry every time I put him in his infant car seat. (Yes, every-single-time.) but he's hasn't cried yet going into this one (SO glad). I think he may have just needed more space? Sharing in case your baby also hates their infant car seat and maybe they just need to graduate to the next size. It's all a guessing game with babies but I thought this was an interesting observation.

(Caught these two having a moment. Trey thinks Daniel is about the funniest person on earth.)

So, yes, get your baby essentials. But also stock up on your motherhood toolbox. You're going to need those qualities a lot more than that wipe warmer.

This post was written for Maxi-Cosi. We adore this car seat and how their well designed baby products combine the best of style and safety.

BABY SWIM ESSENTIALS

We just got back from our California vacation, and while I was prepping for our trip I realized I needed some baby swim items. I thought I would be more well versed in baby swim gear (considering I grew up in California and was former swim team member, and my mom still swims as her daily form of exercise), but it turns out I was a bit out of touch. I assumed I would need to just grab disposable swim diapers and a baby swimsuit, but after asking the experts (AKA other mom friends and Amazon reviews) I quickly realized there's much more to know for the best experience with a baby in the water.

Swimwear. There are cute suit options all over, but for babies I like the idea of long sleeve rashguards, covering as much skin as possible for the best form of sun protection. These cute striped ones are by SwimZip and we're big fans.

Hat. Something with a wide brim, with back of the neck coverage and an under the neck closure is ideal. This one has a self-clasp which I think stays on better than the self-tie ones.

Swim Diapers. A common misconception here is that swim diapers work just like typical diapers, but I learned that swim diapers are designed to only hold in solids, not liquid (otherwise they'd be absorbing all that pool water also and defeating their purpose). There are two kinds, disposables and reusables, and I'm going with reusables, for what I've read in terms of effectiveness and saving money over the long haul. There's tons of brands and styles, I'm choosing snaps instead of velcro closures so that it doesn't snag on my own swimsuit, and a grow-with-you design for the most bang for my buck. You want them TIGHT for them to work. You also want at least two, so that if one gets messy you don't have to end your swim day. The two companies I found to be the highest rated are by Apple Cheeks and AMP Diapers (both are recommended in the Lucie's List review here), and both fit about 15-35 lbs and I loved them. Fast drying and easy to travel with (the AMP ones even come with that tiny travel bag pictured above), and they double as swim bottoms for babies as well.

Another cool swim company to recommend, Splash About, is based in the UK and carries a new kind of swim diaper, the Happy Nappy. These are made of neoprene material (the same as a wetsuit) and look more like spandex shorts than a diaper, and are cute enough to be worn as-is. I love companies that work to make life and play accessible for everyone, and Splash About also makes swim options that work for bigger children, including adults with disabilities. Beyond swim diapers they make a variety of swim products including the Floatie Swimsuit pictured above. Love that concept of removable floats.

Sunscreen. Of course, right? But strangely not the easiest decision since the chemical content is a little controversial, but after 6 months it's generally advised to use if you're going to be in the sun with your baby for more than a few minutes with exposed skin. Apparently "sunblock" is technically a better term to look for than "sunscreen," since the ingredients used are physical blockers (ie zinc) as opposed to chemical "screens" but in retail the names seem to be used interchangeably and thus the confusion. I've heard the best formulas available right now are by ThinkBaby and ThinkSport (same company and formulas, easily blendable and no weird chemicals) and also I have some friends who love Babyganics.

Life vests. This is more for boating than pool use, but I've heard good things about this classic style one. For pool and learning to swim age I've heard this is the best for arm movement.

Sunglasses. We have these. Not really a necessity but cute (if your baby will keep them on!).

If you're into matching your mini (like me) Raising Wild makes these. The mama suits are functional and fashionable (hello, triangle cut out and high waist), a big win for one pieces.

Wishing you and your bab(ies) lots of fun and safe play in the sun!

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